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Growing up in homes that live in drama means we learn to walk on eggshells. Learn to break free of the drama triangle and create positive relationships

Welcome to the Child Behaviour Blog.

Growing up in homes that live in drama means we learn to walk on eggshells. Parents who struggle to stay out of the drama will likely be stuck in the DRAMA TRIANGLE  (see last week's blog) and may lash out, remove their love and shame, blame their children, and try to control them, and challenging behaviour is never far away. 

Growing up in this environment, we learn we are unsafe to be ourselves and take on one of these roles from the drama triangle: Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer. 

In each of these roles, we attempt to protect ourselves, but instead, it creates dysfunction and is a source of intense anxiety within the family.  This blog looks at how we can break free from this drama and build a brighter future for our family.

David Emerald, the creator of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), developed a model that was an alternative to the drama triangle that enables us to break free and heal from the drama. 

He explained that we could assume more positive roles to avoid conflict and instead build healthy relationship dynamics that empower the family.

He explained that we could change the roles from Persecutor to Challenger - Victim to Creator - Rescuer to Coach.

Breaking free from family drama can be challenging, isolating and scary, but there are steps you can take to make the process easier. First, you can discover what you are getting from playing these roles. Perhaps you avoid taking responsibility, or does it enable you to blame someone else and stay in your comfort zone?

Then, establish clear boundaries and change how you interact with your family. Keep in mind that you are responsible for yourself and that you are creating a healthy environment for your family to flourish.

It's normal to miss the adrenaline rush from the drama but remember that there is more to life than struggle, pain, and hurt. Find an alternative to drama to create more joy and purpose. Pursue hobbies and activities that you love and surround yourself with positive people. 

By taking these steps, you can create a healthier and happier relationship with yourself and your family that will last a lifetime.


The Challenger 

As the Challenger, we can inspire growth and development in our family by speaking truthfully and challenging limiting beliefs and behaviours. 

This role involves stepping away from the negative and controlling tendencies of the Persecutor and instead empowering and encouraging others. 

As parents, we can encourage our children out of their comfort zones and help them explore new possibilities and foster trust, honesty, and mutual respect, ultimately leading to stronger and more meaningful relationships. 

Maintaining a balance between assertiveness and empathy is essential to be firm in our convictions and understanding and supportive of our children.

For example:

One example of how a parent can respond as a Challenger to children going through a hard time is by encouraging them to take action to address their challenges. 

For instance, if our child struggles with a difficult subject in school, we can challenge them to take ownership of their learning and find ways to improve instead of criticising them for their poor performance.

We can ask them if they need anything to improve their understanding of the subject and encourage them to seek help from their teacher, tutor or study group. Or ask them if you can help then in any way.

Reminding our children of times when they have overcome challenges in the past will help to boost their confidence and motivation.

By taking on the Challenger role in this situation, we are helping our children develop problem-solving skills and encouraging them to take responsibility for their growth and development. 

This approach also helps build a stronger and more trusting relationship between the parent and child based on mutual respect and understanding.

The Creator

The Creator's role empowers us to take charge of our lives and positively impact the world by focusing on solutions, being proactive, and seeing challenges as opportunities to grow and learn. 

Instead of being a victim, we embrace this role to become agents of change, inspire others to pursue their dreams and create a ripple effect of positive change. 

Being a Creator is about achieving personal success, empowering others, and positively impacting the world, reminding us that we can create a better future and are not powerless victims of our circumstances. As a parent, we can use the Creator role by empowering our children to take charge of their lives and pursue their dreams. 

For example:

Instead of limiting their aspirations to what we think is achievable or what we have achieved, we can encourage them to think big and be creative in pursuing their goals.

We can help them identify their passions and strengths and then support them in finding opportunities to explore and develop these areas. 

We can also model a growth mindset by overcoming challenges and demonstrating resilience and perseverance in facing obstacles.

By embracing the Creator role as a parent, we can empower our children to become creators in their own right, helping them develop the skills and mindset necessary to achieve their goals and positively impact the world.

The Coach

As coaches, our primary focus is to empower others to reach their full potential through support, guidance, and encouragement. We do not solve problems for them but guide them towards solutions. Collaboration and mutual respect are integral to the coach role, as we see individuals as capable and resourceful.

Coaches embrace the power of teamwork and acknowledge that everyone has something valuable to contribute. Creating a safe space for exploration, we help people identify their strengths and weaknesses, set realistic goals, and develop plans to achieve them.

Coaching is not about giving advice or solutions but empowering individuals to take charge of their lives. This involves developing problem-solving skills, self-reliance, and confidence, positively impacting their families.

To be an effective coach, we must possess empathy, active listening skills, and a willingness to learn from others. We must also set aside our biases and assumptions to understand the perspectives of those we coach fully.

In a world that can be overwhelming and isolating, the coach role offers a powerful force for positive change. By empowering others, we empower ourselves and learn from their experiences and perspectives.

For example:

Imagine your child is overwhelmed by a project they must complete for school. As a coach, ask open-ended questions to understand how they are feeling and what they are struggling with. 

You could ask - 

"What are some of the challenges you're facing with this project?" or 

"How do you feel about your work so far?"

After your child has had a chance to share their thoughts and feelings, you could help them or identify their strengths and potential solutions. 

You might say something like - 

"I know you're a creative thinker; do you have any ideas for how you could approach this project differently?" or 

"What resources do you have that could help you with this project?"

As the coach, it's essential to encourage your child to take ownership of the situation and develop solutions. 

You might say - 

"I have faith in your ability to find a plan that works for you. What steps do you think you could take to move forward?"

Listening actively and avoiding giving unsolicited advice or criticism throughout the conversation is essential. Taking on the coach role can help your child develop problem-solving skills, build confidence, and take ownership of their growth and development. This approach can also strengthen your relationship with your child and create a sense of mutual respect and understanding.

The Empowerment Dynamic provides a framework for healing from the harmful effects of the Drama Triangle by emphasising collaboration, respect, and problem-solving.

By embracing the roles of Challenger, Creator, and Coach, we can become positive parents and empower ourselves to take charge of our lives and build a brighter future for our families.

If you would like more details on Positive Parenting Strategies and Child Behaviour Discipline Techniques that you can use to be a positive force in your child's life, see details of my Parenting Masterclass and join today.

Please share this blog; sharing is caring.

I would love your feedback, and remember it takes time and practice to re-wire your mind and change your life. Trust the process!

All the best, 


BOOK RECOMMENDATION:  David Emerald The Power of TED Escape the Grip of Drama and Take Control of Your Life The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)

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