WHEN FAMILIES SWEEP THINGS UNDER THE RUG
HOW IT IMPACTS CHILDREN
Have you ever noticed how easy it can feel to sweep things under the rug and pretend nothing happened after an argument, a disagreement, or even a stressful family event like separation or divorce?
For adults, it can feel like the path of least resistance with less conflict, less discomfort, and less drama.
But children pick up a very clear, unspoken message: their feelings don’t matter, no one is really listening, and problems won’t ever be resolved.
Even if that’s not the intention, it teaches them that expressing themselves isn’t safe, and it’s better to stay quiet.
While sweeping things under the rug may feel easier in the moment, over time, it can slowly erode trust, create emotional distance, and affect a child’s mental health.
In this blog, we’ll explore how to recognise this pattern and foster relationships where children feel truly seen, heard, and safe to express themselves.
Signs You Might Be Sweeping Things Under the Rug
Sometimes, it’s easy to overlook when we’re brushing problems aside, but there are common patterns to notice.
After a disagreement or conflict, everyone might go their separate ways, children might be sent to their rooms, or life just carries on as if nothing happened.
Another sign is ignoring the “elephants in the room.” Big family issues, stress, arguments, emotional struggles, or major life changes are left unspoken.
Children may hear adults dismiss feelings with phrases like “stop crying,” “you’re being too sensitive,” or “don’t be dramatic.”
Over time, these patterns become familiar, and children start to understand that expressing emotions isn’t allowed or safe.
WHY WE BRUSH THINGS UNDER THE RUG
Brushing things under the rug is more about how we cope with conflict ourselves than about the children. Many of us grew up in homes where showing emotions or expressing feelings was seen as “making an argument” or causing trouble.
Other times, it comes from being emotionally immature, wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings like guilt, frustration, shame, or simply being overwhelmed.
When we’re tired or stressed, pretending nothing happened can feel like the path of least resistance.
How Sweeping Things Under the Rug IMPACTS Children
When conflicts or emotions are constantly brushed aside, children don’t learn how to process or resolve them. Instead, many develop an unconscious trauma response called fawning. This is when children feel the need to people-please, constantly trying to keep everyone happy, avoid conflict, or “keep the peace.”
Fawning is driven by fear and the need to feel safe.
Children instinctively suppress their own feelings, lose a sense of self, remain hyper-aware of others, and prioritise others’ comfort above their own.
Over time, this can contribute to anxiety, depression, cause resentment between you and difficulty forming healthy relationships.
Recognising these patterns and helping children (and adults) learn to express themselves safely is key to building confidence, self-trust, and emotional resilience.
THE ANTI-DOTE TO SWEEPING THINGS UNDER THE RUG
The antidote begins with learning how HAPPY FAMILIES ARGUE WELL, so you can avoid damaging arguments and conflict.
The next step is learning how to repair and clear things up with your child after any disagreement, conflict or event.
Children need to see that disagreements can be handled calmly, respectfully, and with resolution. By modelling this, we show them that problems can be solved, emotions are valid, and relationships are important.
more coming :)
