THE TOXIC DAMAGE OF STONEWALLING

Build Bridges, Not Walls: How to Overcome Stonewalling in Parent-Child Communication

Parent-child communication can be really challenging, especially during moments of conflict.

Sometimes, it may feel like we're unintentionally building an emotional wall between us and our children.

This emotional distance can leave us unsure how to reconnect and communicate effectively.

When tensions rise, many parents instinctively react defensively, emotionally distancing themselves. This behaviour, known as stonewalling, can create even more distance, making it harder to resolve conflicts and deepen the relationship.

In this blog, we'll look at the damaging effects of stonewalling, provide strategies for overcoming it, and discuss how to foster healthier, more positive communication with our children.

What is Stonewalling?

Dr John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher and psychologist, identifies stonewalling as when someone emotionally withdraws during conflict, shutting down, not responding, or disengaging from the other person.

Gottman describes this as the last of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

A metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

Criticism - contempt - defensiveness - STONEWALLING

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable way out. Unfortunately, it can become a destructive habit that will likely leave the person on the receiving end feeling ignored, invalidated, and frustrated, gradually eroding trust and your relationship.

How Stonewalling IMPACTS Parent-Child Relationships

Stonewalling might feel like the easiest way to avoid conflict, but for a child, it can be deeply damaging. When a parent shuts down or pulls away, children can feel lost, unsure of themselves, and disconnected from you.

This often sets up a cycle. Feeling ignored can make children act out, which can lead to even more frustration and distance. What started as a way to keep the peace ends up building a wall neither of you wanted.

From a child’s perspective, silence can feel like rejection. It doesn’t just hurt in the moment; it can shake their confidence and make it harder for them to trust relationships. Over time, they may start doubting their own feelings, telling themselves they aren’t good enough.

And from your perspective, seeing your child withdraw can be heartbreaking. For separated or divorced parents, this can build over time and even lead to estrangement, making it harder to feel close and connected.

THE ANTIDOTE TO Stonewalling

When emotions run high, it’s easy to fall into destructive habits like criticism, defensiveness, or contempt. The first step is to recognise what’s happening inside you and choose to pause before reacting, take the kettle off the heat, so to speak.

The next step is to calm your emotions so you can respond in a way that builds connection rather than causing harm. This might mean slowing your breathing, stepping outside for a short walk, finding a quiet space to think, or doing something soothing to settle your mind. Give yourself the time you need, whether that’s twenty minutes or longer, to truly settle.

The key is to return to the conversation as soon as you can and repair any hurt caused, and clear things up. Speak from a place of calm and warmth.

This shows your child that even in difficult times, your relationship is safe and secure.

Real-Life Example: How One Mum Overcame Stonewalling

Some time ago, I worked with a single mum called Amanda, who had three teenagers. Her 16-year-old daughter was frequently angry and disruptive, and their relationship had become so strained that she was placed in a children’s home due to their volatile relationship.

After working together for a few weeks, Amanda told me she’d experienced several argument-free days with her daughter during a home visit. When I asked how this change had come about, she admitted, “I’ve been ignoring her for three days.”

It became clear that, in an attempt to find temporary relief and space, she had been stonewalling her daughter. Although this gave her a brief sense of peace, it only made her daughter’s behaviour worse.

We worked on a different approach: taking a break during arguments, calming down, and then coming back to talk and repair any damage once emotions had settled.

A week later, Amanda shared that since she had started taking short walks to calm herself, her daughter had begun doing the same — and it worked wonders for them both.

Over time, their communication became more constructive, and their bond grew stronger.

Happily, social services allowed her daughter to return home for good.

How to Build Bridges, Not Walls

The ultimate goal in parenting is to create an environment of trust, understanding, and emotional safety. Instead of retreating behind a wall of silence, aim to communicate in ways that strengthen your connection.

Here are a few simple but powerful ways to keep those lines of communication open:

Be Patient: Give your child space to share their thoughts and feelings. Listen with the intention to understand, not just to respond.

Validate Their Emotions: Acknowledge what they’re feeling, even if you don’t agree. Validation helps children feel heard, respected, and valued.

Use Positive Reinforcement: Notice and name the good. Acknowledging their efforts — no matter how small — encourages more of the behaviour you want to see and builds their confidence.

When you communicate with patience and warmth, you show your child that your relationship is a safe place, even when things get tough. That’s how trust deepens and emotional bridges are built.

Conclusion: Breaking the Habit of Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be a difficult habit to break, but with self-awareness and effort, it is possible to create more open and effective communication with your child. By practising self-soothing techniques, validating your child's emotions, and adopting a positive communication style, you can foster a stronger, more supportive relationship.

Has there ever been a time when you’ve found yourself stonewalling?

What steps are you taking to break this habit and build a more open, trusting relationship with your child?

Discover more ways to improve parent-child communication in The Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour.

Take care,
Ruth