The Toxic Damage of Gaslighting Children
and the Healthy Alternative
Do you feel like your relationship with your child is strained, that something’s off, and you’re not as close as you’d like to be?
Maybe they seem distant, unsure of themselves, or quick to shut down.
The word gaslighting gets used a lot these days, but what does it actually mean in parenting, and could it be part of what’s getting in the way?
In this blog, we’ll explore what gaslighting is in everyday parenting, how it impacts your child’s emotional well-being, the damage it does to your relationship and the healthy alternative to rebuild trust and connection with your child.
WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?
Gaslighting is when someone dismisses or denies another person’s experience, often making them question their own feelings, thoughts, or memory of what happened.
In parenting, gaslighting isn’t always obvious or deliberate, and can commonly sound like this:
“You’re just being dramatic.”
“That didn’t happen.”
“You always make things up.”
“Stop overreacting.”
“You’re imagining it.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That’s not true.”
“There’s nothing wrong, you’re fine.”
"I don't know anything about that." (Even when you do)
Recognising gaslighting is the first step to making a positive change to creating a space where your child feels heard, understood, and safe.
How Gaslighting Affects a Child’s Emotional Well-being
Gaslighting makes children question what they know to be true, their feelings, memories, and even their sense of who they are. When a child’s emotions are repeatedly dismissed or denied, it quietly chips away at their confidence, self-esteem, and trust in themselves.
Over time, this can lead to deep emotional confusion. A child may begin to doubt their own instincts, feel unsure in social situations, or believe their emotions are a problem. It’s not just upsetting in the moment; it can create lasting anxiety and self-doubt that follow them into adulthood and even make them feel crazy.
Children who experience gaslighting may:
Struggle to trust you and others, or open up
Find it difficult to form healthy, connected relationships
Feel lost or unsure of their thoughts, feelings, or decisions
Become overly dependent on others for reassurance
Learn to hide their true emotions to avoid being invalidated
Even when gaslighting isn’t intentional, the emotional impact is real and understanding this helps us step back and respond in ways that support our child’s emotions, especially during moments when they need us most.
How Gaslighting Impacts A PARENT CHILD Relationship
When a parent gaslights a child, the child learns to distrust their parent.
When a child’s feelings are dismissed or denied over and over, they stop turning to the parent for comfort because it no longer feels safe.
The warmth and closeness that should be there are replaced by tension, confusion, and silence.
What should be a secure bond begins to feel unpredictable.
A child may withdraw, go quiet, or mask their true feelings just to avoid being shut down.
Over time, this emotional distance creates a painful disconnection in the relationship, which ultimately may break down.
Why a parent may gaslight their child
Gaslighting often stems from a parent’s own emotional immaturity or unresolved issues.
Instead of facing a mistake, a conflict, or taking responsibility, they may deny what happened, shift blame, or downplay a child’s experience to stay in control.
Gaslighting can be a defence mechanism, often used to cover up a lie, avoid discomfort, confrontation, or guilt. For some parents, it’s about maintaining a sense of authority.
For others, it’s an unconscious habit passed down through generations and normalised.
A Healthy Alternative to Gaslighting
Instead of denying, minimising or dismissing a child’s feelings, which is what gaslighting does, emotionally aware parenting means recognising and validating a child’s inner experience, even if we do not fully understand or agree with it.
As parents, we need to be warm and responsive and create emotional safety, which starts with making a child feel truly seen, heard and accepted for who they are.
When we are warm and responsive, we may say things like: “I can see this is upsetting you,” or “Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
This simple but powerful approach builds self-trust, resilience and a secure, lasting bond between you and your child. A child learns that their feelings matter and that they can trust their own experience.
Here are some healthy ways to validate your child’s feelings and foster an emotional connection rooted in awareness and respect:
Healthy alternatives to gaslighting:
GASLIGHTING Comment vs HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE
“You’re overreacting.” vs “This feels big for you right now.”
“That didn’t happen.” vs “I remember it differently, but I want to hear how you saw it.”
“You’re too sensitive.” vs “Your feelings are important to me.”
“Don’t be silly, it’s nothing.” vs “I can see why that would hurt you.”
“Stop crying.“ vs “It’s okay to cry. I’m here when you're ready to talk.”
“I didn’t say that.” vs “You’re right, I did say that, and I’m sorry, that is not a nice thing to say.”
“You are a drama queen.” vs “Tell me why you're upset. I want to make it right.”
“I know nothing.” vs “I hid the truth because it would hurt your feelings.”
At the end of the day, we are not looking for perfection; I am certainly not professing to be that myself and like most parents, feel sure I must have done this at some point to my own children.
We are just looking for ways that we know will help us build healthy, strong relationships with our children and unleash their greatness.
Discover more ways to improve parent-child communication and relationships in The Parent’s Guide to Children’s Behaviour.
